"Are you a misogynist?"

2 years ago, my then-classmate claire asked me this question i'll never forget. ignorant as i first heard it, i asked her what a misogynist was. she coolly replied, "it means are you afraid of women," wiki says it like this: "Misogyny is the hatred (or contempt) of women."

me? afraid of girls? like wtf? i felt totally insulted.

looking back now at this episode, i sometimes wonder whether she's clairvoyant (excuse the pun) or just a really good judge of character. 2 years on, i still am much more comfortable being quiet around girls than talking. mind you, i'm not like this around all girls. of course there are those i can easily talk to without fear or reservation (claire included, that's why she could ask me such a direct question. then again, she's direct towards everyone.), but i can count this number within two hands.

ok, so maybe i'm not such a misogynist. but still, i'm less comfortable being myself in the presence of the fairer sex than my fellow brudders. then again, who isn't? most of my friends (whether army, school, church) are. with the exception of those extremely sociable few, most of us silent, brooding men (or "guys" as we are usually called) grunt, or make other primitive noises to one another, this being our only form of communication. (to borrow an illustration from last year's gp compre essay) being in a boys' school for 4 years and army for 2 doesn't really help does it?

i may/probably have blogged about this topic before, and may probably do so again in the future, but all i can say for now is i have improved from where i was before (by the grace of God!), and am continuing to improve some more (by the grace of God too!)

it helps to let go of one's own inhibitions, fears, insecurities, or just plain worry. we all know communication is a two-way thing; sometimes we just can't be bothered to move out of our comfort zone of grunting and snorting. (i speak for myself of course) but hey, no success without hard work right? so most of my efforts these days are directed towards exorcising my own inner demons of fear and anxiety. and it's amazing how forthcoming the results are. i don't really know how to elaborate. i just know.

anyway, after helping out at the kids' gospel rally today, i went out with some friends, i mean acquaintances from my church. read: 7 girls, 2 guys (including me). so, great opportunity right? 

i ended up talking, when i did, about army, unit life, where i'm going for uni blah blah blah. the funny thing is, i'm now so comfortable talking about army life i don't even feel uncomfortable anymore. after all, army is my life right? (for now at least) so i talked more than i expected to. well done boy! (if i do say so myself)

on another note, that cute girl from church was there today too! (ok carmen if you're reading this please know what to do ah.) and what's more, i actually talked to her! ok, strictly speaking it wasn't talking, more like a question (from her) to a monosyllabic answer (from me). but hey, when you first talk to someone, conversations don't last long do they?

that's not to say that today means anything. i've been through enough experiences in the past where i thought i could be friends with a girl simply with a few short exchanges, and look what it brought me. i'm not expecting anything. i don't even know her, much less like her. it's just that she's cute, that's all. (if you're thinking, "ok, whateverr...", guess what? i'm thinking the same thing too!) 

but the past 2 years of jc have taught me to just let go and let God take care of it. whatever happens, it's happening for my good, right? so, i don't have any false hopes or expectations. something like que sara sara perhaps. or que abraham abraham if you like (sorry couldn't resist). in any case, i'm just happy that i'm slightly less afraid of talking to girls these days.

not bad for a supposed misogynist, eh claire? =P

Mr. Alvin and LCP Mak

that's basically my two personalities, the former when outside camp, the latter when inside.

i seem to just degrade into this lazy, selfish, sloth whenever i step into camp, a side of me that's helped (or not helped?) by those thick, black-framed specs i wear in training. my daily cares involve whether i can siam out of being a casualty for our seniors' deployment training, as well as avoiding saikang, or whether it's possible to keng through mopp c. the only things i want to do (as ashamed to admit as i am) are to sleep, eat, sleep, eat, go for RO, soccer/nights out, sleep. it's disgraceful. it's disgusting. but it's me. what in the world happened?

these days i reason with and try to convince myself (with varying results every time) that since i'm already so idle outside camp, why don't i try to make the most of my time inside it. but as soon as that happens a sudden feeling of lethargy or yawn comes, and immediately i look at my bed and say, "i've just got to go to sleep." even if it's 9am, 10am, 2pm, 3pm or 4pm. it's that bad. i know everyone else is just the same, but all the same it doesn't excuse this horrible behaviour. what happened to living for the glory of God? time to repent (incidentally, repent in greek is metanoia, which means nothing more than just changing one's mind). so, time to repent again.

sometimes i wonder if it's worse being inside or outside camp. at least when i'm inside, i'm quite happy to be idling around, wasting day after day away. but when it comes to booking out, i seem to always just waste those precious 2 days i have in a week where i don't have to be subject to military orders. and yet these 2 days are even less productive than the other days. like wth? in recent weeks i've considered volunteering my free time at a VWO, then i start worrying about whether i can commit long-term. then i realise i can't. then i start considering going out every week. then again, i'm not able to plan who to go out with every week, or at least on a regular basis. and always, without fail, i'm back to square one.

i don't want to harm myself like this any more. i want to really, do something that means something to someone, at least to myself, better if to someone else too.

oh and i just found out that i still have a soft spot for girls with long fringes that stick out at the front of their head. lol.

i don't really know why, but i don't like it when people use the phrase "nice guy", ie when they say "oh he's a nice guy", or "although he looks fierce, he's actually a nice guy".

something, i don't know what, about the phrase "nice guy" makes my skin crawl. maybe it suggests a person with two sides. like, there's a "nice" side, and a "not nice" side. or maybe because people everywhere are so obsessed with doing the "nice" thing, or being a "nice" person.

there is a difference being a "nice" person and a wise person. i'm not saying that there's no place for being "nice", but like what pastor ben said, you won't find "being nice" as a fruit of the spirit. there's love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. but there's no "niceness". sure, there are elements of love, kindness, goodness and gentleness in being nice, but there's some unknown quality i can't pinpoint about niceness that just irks me.

being "nice", to me, seems to be doing whatever the situation deems appropriate, whether it is right or wrong. but we don't live by the knowledge of good and evil. we live by the tree of life.

to me, saying that someone is a "nice guy" isn't a compliment. i'd much rather people use honest/loving/sincere/kind/caring or other words, as long as it's not "nice".

now, wouldn't that be nice.

watched 2 epic shows this week. the dark knight, and the 2-hour television movie of avatar the last airbender, the last 4 episodes.

i have been blown away.

just 2 more weeks.

hang in there!

i'm really tired of this routine.

desperately wanting to get out and go home on weekdays, and desperately wanting to get out and go outside on weekends.

there's got to be more to life than this.

it feels so boring, so mundane, so meaningless.

when will it ever end?

my abba

this song never fails to bring tears to my eyes and warm my heart. beautiful.


you know the plans you have for me
you will complete your work in me
my name's engraved
upon your heart

you sacrificed your son for me
atoning blood has covered me
because of christ
i am your child

i'll be still
know that you are God
by your spirit i cry

my abba, my Father
you'll love me forever
my future's secure in your hands
you've crowned me with glory
to worship you only
to none else will i bow my heart
for you are my abba
my God


happy father's day! :)

it's been literally a hell week.

thank God it's over.



I know it's hard on a rainy day
you want to shut the world out and just be left alone
But don't run out on your faith

'Cause sometimes that mountain you've been climbing is just a grain of sand
What you've been up there searching for
forever is in your hands
When you figure out love is all that matters after all
It sure makes everything else
seem so small

the zone concert yesterday was amazing. the atmosphere, the songs chosen, the message preached...all made for a very unforgettable night. compared to last year, i enjoyed this one much, much more, partly because i wasn't being a part-time security guard watching over the bags of my friends, but more so because i know more hillsong songs than planetshaker songs. but i still like both of them. :) it was also nice to see a few friends i haven't seen in quite a while, and my friends with me also enjoyed themselves, i think. i hope. :)

***

i only realised today, for the first time ever, that i have been pretty selfish every time i book out. maybe it's because i've been deprived of the luxuries i once took for granted, or because army hasn't changed my homely nature, i try to spend as much time as i can at home. and when that happens i often face the computer more than i do with my parents. it's not that we don't talk, we just talk over meals, but once i'm at home, they pretty much know they can't win against the computer.
so, with this epiphany today, i volunteered to accompany them to go shopping, although i could have chosen to go home early. in fairness to them, they didn't really promise we'd come home as soon as we were done, but they did say that after they were done buying we could go home. as it is, i spent the entire afternoon at a book shop reading while my parents happily shopped for a couple of hours, before an early dinner at 5. by the time i realised the sun was setting, i felt utterly cheated. it wasn't so much of missing some gaming time (although that's precious), but more so to catch my breath at home and prep my stuff before i went back to camp for the final time in this course. and so my hopes of going home by 4 were dashed, and i didn't even know.

as a result, i was, and still am, debating whether i am going to do "parent escort services" (as sir neo puts it) on future sundays.

oh well. i suppose you give some, take some.

john 11:33-35

When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled.

"Where have you laid him?" he asked. "Come and see, Lord," they replied.

Jesus wept.

sometimes, deep down, i still feel like a kid trapped inside a teenager's body.

sure, my age is increasing, but some part of me still clings to that playful, childish, kiddy person i was/still am.

people come and go, my everyday environment changes, weekends come and go, but i still feel like i haven't changed much. or have i?

i'm still not sure i'm ready to grow up.


oh, and trying to keep in touch with old friends is hard.

i just read this article in newsweek yesterday about how many movies these days don't end properly. and as i was reading, i was thinking what was the last movie i watched that really left a deep impression on me, and to my amazement, the answer was that in spite of the numerous films i've watched, there are none which can really qualify as classics. sure, classics have to be able to withstand the test of time, and they're the ones whom people will still remember at least 1 generation later. that's why films like casablanca, gone with the wind et al. are really considered great (though i haven't watched them before, i've heard of them even in these days, so there's the test of time for you)

there also seems to be a trend of having a lot of movies featuring superheroes, or at least, heroes with superpowers, on top of their brains/courage/skills (take your pick, though most of them have these too). it reminded me of what pastor said once, that people are making these films, because in all our hearts, there is a cry for a true Hero. not one that has to fight and keep fighting the bad guys over and over and all over again, but One who needs only one final Victory. but they don't realise this Hero is jesus. one victory to defeat the devil, sin, and death, and which has brought untold peace like never ever before.

that's why the heroes of this world have to keep fighting, because they never have one single complete victory over the forces of evil/darkness. and that's why people keep following these heroes, because they never have a true peace that passes all understanding. not to mention all the loss in terms of merchandise.

anyway, i'm getting distracted. i just think that film makers these days should aim to make a great movie. a truly classic one. rather than making one as a merchandise. make the movie a classic, and the merchandising will follow. that's why films like star wars still have so many fans till this day (i'm one too).

by the way, iron man was nice. not spectacular, but nice. stay till after the creds roll for the bonus clip.

now, let me declare that i am not against liking superheroes and whatnot. my two "favourite" heroes are batman and spiderman, whom i think are really smart, and yet they're real and human enough. but the point is, to have these comic book characters as someone you look up to, that is really sad. and it's also disheartening to know that there are so many people turning to these fictional characters instead of turning to the One True Hero.

and that breaks my heart.

much to my surprise, class lunch yesterday (ok specifically wednesday) was pretty well attended! let me try to recall:

carol, matt, ai zhen, jt, jonny, eden, yuanshan, li ru, claire, kelvin, qin pei, tai hao, val, velden, carl, kenneth, and me. wow 17 people! amazing! and i thought no one gave a rip about the class. turns out i was wrong. :)

had a fun, albeit shorter than expected, lunch with them, and i did enjoy the conversations, as well as the short exchanges, with them. esp kelvin, claire, carol, carl and jt, who were my immediate neighbours. it was nice to see that nothing drastic had happened within these few months, and i could feel that we were all still pretty comfortable in each other's presence, though i had to keep forcing myself to only smile instead of grinning from ear to ear.

after lunch a few of them left, and the rest of us wandered to the cinema, before deciding not to catch a movie because some others had to leave by the time the show ended. so we went to play in the arcade instead, and my best moment came when ai zhen was playing silent hill (gasp!) and suddenly i shook her by the neck just as her first enemy appeared. her last life got killed and it was game over! wahahahaha 4 tokens gone just like that.

subsequently, after arcade and after a few feeble attempts by the guys at the use-the-hammer-and-smash-the-scale game to defeat the high score, we then went to marina square from suntec to play bowling or pool. ended up playing pool, though not before i played 2 rounds of virtua striker, that lame soccer arcade game which i never fail to play. and lose at it.

after pool the few of us left went to macs for dinner (velden had a craving). jk joined us, and after dinner, some of them had decided to leave when kenneth, me and jk said we'd catch a movie, or jk would have joined us for dinner. and nothing else. so we went back to the cinema a 3rd time, and decided on watching doomsday, because i saw its trailer on the tv and macs and decided it would be quite a nice show.

after coming out at 11pm (the show started at 9pm), i was just..."wth just happened." i'm not even going to comment on the show. just to say that other than a pretty lead character, everything else was just....totally, completely random. i'd use the s word too (no, not a 4-letter one), but "random" fits the bill more. suffice to say that there was lots of gore, vulgarities and even some naked scenes. (no it's not the lead) and it was already quite censored. for the first time in my life, i'd watched a non-PG show, and i didn't even know it. i think i'm still not very ready for this kind of film, so you won't see me watching a gory show any time soon. of course, if the lead character is the same, i'll give it a second thought. ;)

*

spent today (thursday) going to east coast park in the morning, and put on my rollerblades for the first time in 2 years. dad was with me, and the 2 of us, dad and son, just chilled out and spent some quality time together. not very much was said, but i guess he enjoyed the time as much as i did. i did a few rounds of blading, but after every like 100m i'd stop and sit for like 15 minutes. hey, i'm not training you know!

in the afternoon, went on the singapore flyer (the ferris wheel) for the first time with dad. price aside (a whopping $29.50!), i thought the ride epitomised the growth of singapore very well. not to be a mega-patriot or anything, but building the thing did show how sg is able to progress and keep up with the times, and build a state-of-the-art architectural marvel (it claims to be the tallest in the world). still, the building on the other side of the ECP was still higher than me at the top of the ride, so i was thinking maybe i should have just gone to that building instead. still, it was a nice ride. :)

*******



on another note, i think i have, by the Grace of God (nothing more, nothing less), started to come to terms with the fact that it is better for me (at least for now) to stay single and be unattached, both in body and in mind. i am only starting to realise how much freedom i truly have, to go out with any friend at any time i want, to spend more time with my family on top of how much i usually spend with them, and to be able to attend 2 churches on sunday without fail, and even youth every other saturday. it is a blessing to be unattached (for now). don't get me wrong, if you're dating then all the best, but i'm just saying that for me, at this point in time, i am a very free and happy single person.

boy, it took me like 3 years to realise this. but i still did. :)

the weather's pretty hot these days. and with more tough training ahead, including putting on more gear than usual, i don't know how i'll survive, but deep down i know that i will.

my normal life's revolving mostly around catching up with friends online, spending time with family, and finding that ever-elusive lego star wars wii game. i've searched more than half the stores here, and all have been sold out. i guess that happens when it was on sale since february. oh well, guess i'll comb the rest of the stores till i finally find it. or not.

i do find myself missing school less these days, and strangely enough, when a long break like this comes along once in a while, i somehow end up feeling strange that i don't have to wake up to run a few kilometers that morning. i guess the transition's almost complete.

not much else is happening these days. oh, i'm halfway through my 10 IV sessions. just 5 more pokes and i'll be through! i'd really like to get posted to air force, but we'll see what happens. i've already spurned the chance to join navy, because i can't stand the thought of not being at home for a possible 3 months. it's like confinement again!

i'm going for a class lunch pretty soon. it'll be fun to see how little, and yet how much, people have changed.

later!

a lot's happened this month. some good, some not so good. but i don't really want to talk about it. i'm just glad it's over.

instead, i'd like to share a story my new bunk mate told me, which was, apparently told to us during math lecture last year. (somehow i missed it)

there was once a bird which had a very clear and sweet voice. so, it would fly around everyday, singing loudly and proudly. but one day, it lost its voice. it became very sad and started to feel cold. then along came a cow and dropped its poop on the bird. however, since the poop was fresh, it made the bird warm, and subsequently, happy again. it started to sing out loud once again! then alone came a dog, and ate the bird up, along with the poop.

there are 3 morals to the story.


1) the people who give you crap aren't necessarily your enemies.
2) the people who take away your crap aren't necessarily your friends.
3) when you're warm and comfortable, shut up.

been through quite a bit in the last week, and have been feeling a whirlwind of emotions consequently.

i'm still not out of the fire yet, but that's when jesus appears. :)

i'm back from going outfield!

first of all, thank you aizhen for replying (so far). it's good to know that at least some classmates still miss the good ol' days. at least it means i'm not going insane/emo from daily training and being cut off from the rest of the world. but with results release coming up soon, that means i'll be able to see my classmates for one last time! (but that also means i'll probably never see all of them ever again. crap. will deal with that when the time comes) hopefully that day i can take many many photos with my classmates/friends!

i've never looked forward to a book out as much as this one, and although i'm going back in early for extra duty, which means i'll miss church for another week, as well as class dinner tonight, i still believe that verse which says that all things will work together for good. i just believe it.

training's going to be quite tough this coming week, but the Lord is my strength! after this week it should be better, but i'm also believing for a good week ahead too!

so agree with me!

it's about halfway through bmt!

but before i go back in for another week of confinement because of field camp, allow me to reuse my brain for the first time in weeks to prevent it from degeneration due to inactivity.

i seek your forgiveness if what i say seems to be painfully obvious, because once you're enlisted, "you see no day, you see no night, all you see is training", as my csm put it so aptly. so for me to say anything that makes sense should be regarded as quite an accomplishment already.

it has finally dawned on me what draws me (i don't presume to speak for others) to bookout days so much. apart from the obvious fact that we don't have to be ordered around, and even more important than having time to actually rest physically properly, is our chance to come back and meet real people.

human relationships. 2 simple words that mean so much to me right now. this cny break has allowed me to realise that above all that i cherish during my bookout times, it's the human interactions that i miss the most. now, don't get me wrong, we do interact with our platoon mates inside, as well as our superiors (though in this case it's 1-way communication), but seeing "civilians" (in our dictionary) is something entirely different. for one, you can talk about stuff besides training for once.

having said that, i do regret a little for not being able to spend more time with my friends (because for one reason or another a lot of people weren't free), though i am very thankful for having a great family, and for them to be there almost all the time, so that i wouldn't suffer more isolation. i could and should have spent less time in front of the com, and as each day passed i realised more and more that there's only so much gaming time you can have and not feel empty. surely there's more to life than just kotor/PES2008! maybe this is also why i sometimes wish i were attached, to have that "special someone" to spend time with. (ah the delusions of hopeless romantics) but i seriously believe that divine intervention is preventing me from having any sort of bgr because of the probably high chances of failure. still, sometimes one can't help but feel....... well, you know what i mean.


i do apologise for my lack of coherence in this post (how many times have i done this before?), but with another 12 days on tekong coming up, i'm starting to miss the people i've taken for granted these past few days again. and i don't want that to happen again.






you take my hand
and lead me to your side
your warm embrace
sets my heart on fire

you are my shelter
the God of all wonders
you are the hero of my life

i live for you
the saviour of my life
your love for me
is wider than the skies

you are my shelter
the God of all wonders
you are the hero of my life

you came for me
your life for mine
when i couldn't save myself

you bore my pain
my sin, my shame
jesus my lord my life






do tag/comment if you feel like it.

omg ns is like chinese high all over again. all boys only.

no girls. =(

clearly, i am still having adjustment issues.