change...?

i've heard many cliches about it, and i know that people change.

but not like this, right? i mean, i see them all the time, and i think i know them. but suddenly it feels like i don't even know them anymore. not getting their jokes, not understanding their conversations, not even hanging out with them at all anymore.

i guess the weirdest thing is that even though i always see them, i never really noticed the changes. not big ones, subtle changes. small small differences in the way they talk to me, how they greet me. they all have changed.

but maybe i've changed too. obviously not that i would have realised it, since i don't feel that i've changed. perhaps it's because of this new system? that's causing this "segregation" of sorts? possibly. or maybe it's just that i don't hang out with them much these days. instead, i find myself with another group of friends these days. i'm not implying that i'm forced here and don't like to be them; it's just weird to have had this group of friends for the past 1/2 year or so and suddenly it's like you don't even know what to say to them anymore. but this "new" group is gelling well, so i'm not complaining. but it takes time i guess.


bah. i'm repeating my point. back to camp it is then.

Darlene Zschech (Hillsong) - To You

it's a pretty old song (2001!), but it's still so beautiful la.




Here I stand
Forever in Your mighty hand
Living with Your promise
Written on my heart

I am Yours
Surrendered wholly to You
You set in Your family
Calling me Your own

Now I, I belong to You
Lord I need
Your Spirit, Your word, Your truth
Hear my cry
My deep desire
To know You more

In Your name
I will lift my hands
To the King
This anthem of praise I bring

Heaven knows
I long to love You
With all I am
I belong to You

You Are The God Who Loves

Saviour of the undeserving
You have beckoned me with love
You designed all heaven's glory
Yet You came, restored my worth

This is love, spoken through Your brokenness
This is grace, crowning me with righteousness

You are the God who loves
You are the God who gives
Salvation, favour, victory
As I stand and see

You are the God I love
You are the God I give
All honour, glory
Adoration for eternity

Majesty stripped of all honour
Man of sorrows on that tree
The God who fashioned nature's wonders
Yet You stooped to rescue me

© 2008 New Creation Church

My King

The heavens stood still
At Calvary's hill
You shed Your blood as my ransom price

You took my place
My sin and disgrace
Upon the cross where You became

The Lamb that was slain
Now risen You reign

You are my King
Your praises I sing
Your love has rescued me from the grave

I lift up Your name
Declare it again
Your are forever worthy Lord

Jesus
You reign
Forever King of all

© 2008 New Creation Church





a beautiful song to end a very blessed year.

who do you say He is?

i love the way this song brings through the meaning of christmas with its jazzy feel and really meaningful lyrics.

His Name is Jesus

For to us a child was born
In a lowly manger, God came in human form
Sent forth through virgin birth, appointed to bring peace on earth
Angels worshipped, shepherds praised, as God unveiled His love

On this Christmas Day, who do you say He is
On this blessed day, who do you say He is
Some say He is just a prophet
Some say He is but a man
But I know Him as the Christ, the Son of the living God

Then one night a star appeared
Wise men honoured Him with gold, frankincense and myrrh
This child became a man who at the cross fulfilled God's plan
For love, for me, my Saviour died to set me free from sin

His name is Wonderful, Counsellor
Mighty God, the Everlasting Father
Prince of Peace, Emmanuel
My Lord and Saviour
His name is Jesus
His name is Jesus

On this Christmas Day, who do you say He is
On this blessed day, who do you say He is
On this Christmas Day, who do you say He is
On this blessed day, who do you say He is
His name is Jesus

© 2006 New Creation Church

as far as i'm concerned...

i don't really feel the christmas spirit this year. i know, i know, christmas isn't about whatever society/the media/orchard road defines it as, but still, having gone through year after year of dec. 25 in some cold place overseas (most frequently hk), it feels a little weird going out at night and not feeling chilly breezes. or wearing at least 2 layers of clothing. i know it's the same in air-conditioned shopping centres, but i do miss those night strolls i had (most times with mum & dad) in the cold streets overseas.

whatever. this isn't the first christmas i've spent having to readjust myself after being thrown out of my comfort zone (read: spending christmas in hk). or for that matter, the first time i've been forced to leave it (my comfort zone, that is.) more than anything, this year, i've been put in situations i don't want to/hated/resented being in, and, more often than not, i haven't responded the way i should (that is, the grown-up, mature way. read: mrf conversion, bmt weekends). i've responded many times in a selfish manner, which often benefits no one but myself, and even then, sometimes i don't benefit.

but that's enough soul-searching i guess. i've realised my mistakes, though truth be told, i don't know if i'd have grown up enough to respond the right way, if faced with the same situations again, even with the benefit of hindsight. i'm not sure i'm courageous enough.

still, i guess even with me making the same mistakes again and again, it has been a year where i'd learnt much about myself. for every hum chee thing i've done this year, i daresay there's been an opposite courageous thing i've done, for example, IV, route marches, mopp c, going for arrow, etc. not that it justifies the less-than-glorious things i've done, but i'm just trying to remind myself that my year hasn't been totally bad. in any case, i've done things i wouldn't usually do, or things i wouldn't do in my right mind (not that my mind hasn't been right, i've got orders to follow, you know?), or even just things i didn't even dare attempt in the past.

and as the year draws to a close, i think it's best that i start the next year on a clean slate. what's done this year is done (as i keep reminding myself), good or bad.

time to move on into 2009.

the joys of watching a football derby

there's really nothing like a derby. check out the banter rival fans have, even online.

taken from bbc's live commentary for the manchester derby going on now:

1406: "It's almost 250 footballing minutes since United last put the ball in the net. I've enjoyed every one of them."
Dan, London, via text on 81111

1423: "(See 1406) It's been 30 years since City last won anything of note and I've laughed through every single one of them."
Dave, via text on 81111

LOL.

there is no higher calling,
no greater honour,
than to bow and kneel before Your throne.
i'm amazed by Your glory,
embraced by Your mercy,
O Lord, i live to worship You.

"how are you?" - pt. 2

i guess i didn't end off my previous post properly. probably because i was so caught up in ranting and emo-ing.

but the point of what i'm trying to say is this. if you really want to know how a friend has been recently, spend some time with the person. by this i don't mean 1-2 minutes of conversation (though if you're both in a hurry i guess it could suffice. but better to arrange to meet over coffee or something). one of my pastors shared about this recently, about how he would respond in his heart whenever a church member asked him "how are you?" he said most of the time he wished he'd say, "do you have time?" to talk, fellowship, communicate and stuff.

but (i feel) most of us are so busy (for valid reasons or otherwise) that we hardly bother. the fact of the matter is that we are, for the most part, more engrossed with ourselves.

anyway, back to the subject matter. now i feel the same way too. whenever someone asks me "how are you?" i sometimes have this overwhelming desire to ask back, "do you have time?" or "shall we talk over a coffee?", but most of the time i just smile sheepishly and reply fine or stuff like that.

so, next time if you ask me how i am, just consider this response: do you have time? :)

"how are you?"

...is a question that is so easy to ask, and so difficult to answer, especially when it is asked in passing.

on the asker's part, it seems (to me) a lack of true interest and concern in what is going on in the other person's life. it's almost like saying, "hey, i'm not really interested in what's going on in your life, but since i just saw you, it's polite/nice to ask how are you. i don't expect a good, thorough answer in the next 5 seconds i have for you, i just (at the most) expect you to say something trivial, unimportant about yourself, preferably something which happened since i last asked you this question the last time we met and i gave you also 5-10 seconds to tell me about yourself."

it reeks of insincerity. not only because it's easy to ask, it also shows no real thought process involved with regards to the other person. also, it's just a less uncomfortable way than to avoid speaking to the person completely.

on the askee's part (ok i know this is bad english, but deal with it), it forces him/her to think of something to say, because not saying anything would be rude. of course, we often throw up monosyllabic answers like, "fine", "good", "great", "OK", "alright" (the last 2 have 2 syllables but that's beside the point), partly because we don't want to tell the person more than what he asked, but i guess it's more we don't know what to say. maybe it's also because we can't think of something trivial, unimportant about ourselves, which we haven't told the person since the last time we met. whatever the case, these kinds of conversations usually don't last.

there is no counter argument here. the only resolution one can find is to build close friendships with everyone around you, so much so that everyone you know is closely involved in your life, to the extent that they know every little thing that's happened in the past 24 years of your life.
but that's humanly impossible. even for parents. we all keep our secrets from them don't we.

barring that, the only viable alternative option is to just answer the damn question with a one-word answer, or if you're relatively more comfortable person, you can tell him/her something nice/not-so-nice that happened to you since the last time you met.

then we can just get on with our lives.


ps this post sounded real emo didn't it? =P

"Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken your first love. Remember the height from which you have fallen! Repent and do the things you did at first."
Revelation 2:4-5

ok i know it isn't the full verse, and it looks like i'm taking this out of context. but hey.

looking back now, i guess i hadn't even realised how far i'd fallen. now that i look back, knowing what i know now, that must have been a lot. and yet, somehow He was there, sustaining me, giving me stuff to fill my inner emptiness, although it was a far cry from the abundant life He promised. Sure, i was serving, i was attending church, but all of it felt so artificial, so... contrived. and yet His mercy was there all the time. amazing grace, indeed.

but now i know better. i've gone back to my first love! spending time in the Word, just enjoying His presence. indeed, repenting and doing the things i did at first, has helped me get back on my feet again.

i guess no one but the Lord will know truly how much i fell. but He remembers my sins and lawless deeds no more, so who am i to remember them?

you know, that verse "casting your cares unto the Lord, for He cares for you", in the amplified translation, actually says casting your cares unto the Lord once and for all. what to do after that? abound therein with thanksgiving. too simple to be true? it is! and that's what i'm practising now. heck care tomorrow. who cares how busy/slack tomorrow will be?

delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.

You Laid Aside Your Majesty

i found this beautiful, beautiful song and mv on youtube.

You laid aside Your majesty, gave up everything for me.
Suffered at the hands of those You had created.
You took away my guilt and shame,
When You died and rose again. 
Now today You reign,
And heaven and earth exalt You.

I really want to worship You my Lord,
You have won my heart and I am Yours.
Forever and ever, I will love You.
You are the only one who died for me,
Gave Your life to set me free.
So I lift my voice to You in adoration.


really, take the time to watch and appreciate the love of Christ for you.

be blessed!

"Are you a misogynist?"

2 years ago, my then-classmate claire asked me this question i'll never forget. ignorant as i first heard it, i asked her what a misogynist was. she coolly replied, "it means are you afraid of women," wiki says it like this: "Misogyny is the hatred (or contempt) of women."

me? afraid of girls? like wtf? i felt totally insulted.

looking back now at this episode, i sometimes wonder whether she's clairvoyant (excuse the pun) or just a really good judge of character. 2 years on, i still am much more comfortable being quiet around girls than talking. mind you, i'm not like this around all girls. of course there are those i can easily talk to without fear or reservation (claire included, that's why she could ask me such a direct question. then again, she's direct towards everyone.), but i can count this number within two hands.

ok, so maybe i'm not such a misogynist. but still, i'm less comfortable being myself in the presence of the fairer sex than my fellow brudders. then again, who isn't? most of my friends (whether army, school, church) are. with the exception of those extremely sociable few, most of us silent, brooding men (or "guys" as we are usually called) grunt, or make other primitive noises to one another, this being our only form of communication. (to borrow an illustration from last year's gp compre essay) being in a boys' school for 4 years and army for 2 doesn't really help does it?

i may/probably have blogged about this topic before, and may probably do so again in the future, but all i can say for now is i have improved from where i was before (by the grace of God!), and am continuing to improve some more (by the grace of God too!)

it helps to let go of one's own inhibitions, fears, insecurities, or just plain worry. we all know communication is a two-way thing; sometimes we just can't be bothered to move out of our comfort zone of grunting and snorting. (i speak for myself of course) but hey, no success without hard work right? so most of my efforts these days are directed towards exorcising my own inner demons of fear and anxiety. and it's amazing how forthcoming the results are. i don't really know how to elaborate. i just know.

anyway, after helping out at the kids' gospel rally today, i went out with some friends, i mean acquaintances from my church. read: 7 girls, 2 guys (including me). so, great opportunity right? 

i ended up talking, when i did, about army, unit life, where i'm going for uni blah blah blah. the funny thing is, i'm now so comfortable talking about army life i don't even feel uncomfortable anymore. after all, army is my life right? (for now at least) so i talked more than i expected to. well done boy! (if i do say so myself)

on another note, that cute girl from church was there today too! (ok carmen if you're reading this please know what to do ah.) and what's more, i actually talked to her! ok, strictly speaking it wasn't talking, more like a question (from her) to a monosyllabic answer (from me). but hey, when you first talk to someone, conversations don't last long do they?

that's not to say that today means anything. i've been through enough experiences in the past where i thought i could be friends with a girl simply with a few short exchanges, and look what it brought me. i'm not expecting anything. i don't even know her, much less like her. it's just that she's cute, that's all. (if you're thinking, "ok, whateverr...", guess what? i'm thinking the same thing too!) 

but the past 2 years of jc have taught me to just let go and let God take care of it. whatever happens, it's happening for my good, right? so, i don't have any false hopes or expectations. something like que sara sara perhaps. or que abraham abraham if you like (sorry couldn't resist). in any case, i'm just happy that i'm slightly less afraid of talking to girls these days.

not bad for a supposed misogynist, eh claire? =P

Mr. Alvin and LCP Mak

that's basically my two personalities, the former when outside camp, the latter when inside.

i seem to just degrade into this lazy, selfish, sloth whenever i step into camp, a side of me that's helped (or not helped?) by those thick, black-framed specs i wear in training. my daily cares involve whether i can siam out of being a casualty for our seniors' deployment training, as well as avoiding saikang, or whether it's possible to keng through mopp c. the only things i want to do (as ashamed to admit as i am) are to sleep, eat, sleep, eat, go for RO, soccer/nights out, sleep. it's disgraceful. it's disgusting. but it's me. what in the world happened?

these days i reason with and try to convince myself (with varying results every time) that since i'm already so idle outside camp, why don't i try to make the most of my time inside it. but as soon as that happens a sudden feeling of lethargy or yawn comes, and immediately i look at my bed and say, "i've just got to go to sleep." even if it's 9am, 10am, 2pm, 3pm or 4pm. it's that bad. i know everyone else is just the same, but all the same it doesn't excuse this horrible behaviour. what happened to living for the glory of God? time to repent (incidentally, repent in greek is metanoia, which means nothing more than just changing one's mind). so, time to repent again.

sometimes i wonder if it's worse being inside or outside camp. at least when i'm inside, i'm quite happy to be idling around, wasting day after day away. but when it comes to booking out, i seem to always just waste those precious 2 days i have in a week where i don't have to be subject to military orders. and yet these 2 days are even less productive than the other days. like wth? in recent weeks i've considered volunteering my free time at a VWO, then i start worrying about whether i can commit long-term. then i realise i can't. then i start considering going out every week. then again, i'm not able to plan who to go out with every week, or at least on a regular basis. and always, without fail, i'm back to square one.

i don't want to harm myself like this any more. i want to really, do something that means something to someone, at least to myself, better if to someone else too.

oh and i just found out that i still have a soft spot for girls with long fringes that stick out at the front of their head. lol.

i don't really know why, but i don't like it when people use the phrase "nice guy", ie when they say "oh he's a nice guy", or "although he looks fierce, he's actually a nice guy".

something, i don't know what, about the phrase "nice guy" makes my skin crawl. maybe it suggests a person with two sides. like, there's a "nice" side, and a "not nice" side. or maybe because people everywhere are so obsessed with doing the "nice" thing, or being a "nice" person.

there is a difference being a "nice" person and a wise person. i'm not saying that there's no place for being "nice", but like what pastor ben said, you won't find "being nice" as a fruit of the spirit. there's love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. but there's no "niceness". sure, there are elements of love, kindness, goodness and gentleness in being nice, but there's some unknown quality i can't pinpoint about niceness that just irks me.

being "nice", to me, seems to be doing whatever the situation deems appropriate, whether it is right or wrong. but we don't live by the knowledge of good and evil. we live by the tree of life.

to me, saying that someone is a "nice guy" isn't a compliment. i'd much rather people use honest/loving/sincere/kind/caring or other words, as long as it's not "nice".

now, wouldn't that be nice.

watched 2 epic shows this week. the dark knight, and the 2-hour television movie of avatar the last airbender, the last 4 episodes.

i have been blown away.

just 2 more weeks.

hang in there!

i'm really tired of this routine.

desperately wanting to get out and go home on weekdays, and desperately wanting to get out and go outside on weekends.

there's got to be more to life than this.

it feels so boring, so mundane, so meaningless.

when will it ever end?

my abba

this song never fails to bring tears to my eyes and warm my heart. beautiful.


you know the plans you have for me
you will complete your work in me
my name's engraved
upon your heart

you sacrificed your son for me
atoning blood has covered me
because of christ
i am your child

i'll be still
know that you are God
by your spirit i cry

my abba, my Father
you'll love me forever
my future's secure in your hands
you've crowned me with glory
to worship you only
to none else will i bow my heart
for you are my abba
my God


happy father's day! :)

it's been literally a hell week.

thank God it's over.



I know it's hard on a rainy day
you want to shut the world out and just be left alone
But don't run out on your faith

'Cause sometimes that mountain you've been climbing is just a grain of sand
What you've been up there searching for
forever is in your hands
When you figure out love is all that matters after all
It sure makes everything else
seem so small