what matters most to me

I just helped Kelvin print out his H3 application form.

Not that many months ago, I remember myself bringing to school a H3 application form to submit, in hope more than expectation that I’d get chosen. (Now I realize that hope is the confident expectation of good…but that’s another story)

Now I don’t even qualify. How times change.

Perhaps the only thing that never changed was my arrogance. In my own abilities, in my own intelligence, in my own this, in my own that, in essence, in myself. Look where that’s brought me.

It was pure agony just now as I went through the name list of students eligible for H3. Despite looking at the names again and again, the search for my name was to no avail. I have to admit, thoughts of jealousy did cross my mind. Finally, I admitted defeat. It wasn’t so much the course I wanted to apply for, it was more of the recognition of being a top student. But truth be told, there would be no justice if my name were on that list. I didn’t deserve to be there, based on how much effort I put in over the past year. The last minute attempts to salvage everything through promos failed, most spectacularly in chemistry, where I was, quote unquote, “confident of my ability in chem.”.

If there’s one thing I learnt, it’s this: in the grand scheme of things, my own efforts, no matter how much I put in, will never amount to anything. Perhaps some will do better than me, but no matter, they will still fail. Thus I am thankful that all this “failure” has happened to me at such an early stage of my life, to teach me this wonderful lesson.

Those of you better than me academically will probably think, “what in the world is this idiot talking about? He’s probably just upset because his promo results sucked,” so maybe I am. But I’m telling you, I’m grateful I learnt this lesson through promos. Some of you may learn it much later in life, if you start a business or what. Now, I’m not cursing you for your business to go bust or what. But I guess my lesson has taught me to always depend on the one who will make sure everything happens for my good. And because of that, my path will always shine brighter and brighter till the perfect day.

And you know what? I’ve stopped being upset and angry for not making the “top student “ list anymore. It doesn’t matter if I’m right up there or not. Even though studies should be and is my main concern as of now, I’m not bothered if I’m not an overachiever. The best thing is, I have continual fellowship with my God, and that’s all that matters.