yesterday...

about 2 days ago, i had the opportunity to talk to widjaja and ainan. as in, just talking crap, and about the good ol' days of sec 1 and 2 under yeong and yangwz and the like. it seemed like such a far cry from what jc life should be. i have the impression that the only kind of fun jc students care about having is like "wow!", "bang!", that kind of thing. fun must be rar rar rar. for me, fun is being able to sit with a coupla pals and reminisce about the good old days. gone is the naivete of sec 1,2 and the like, i'm now having the naivete of a jc1 student.

gosh i sound so old. maybe i am. mentally.

all i wanted, and i still do, is just to have maybe 2-3 friends i can really talk to on a closer level. in jc, everyone's so busy and preoccupied with all sorts of stuff nowadays, you don't really get to connect with them on a personal level. it's just the "hi, how are you?" to those you once called friends, or simply "hi" to acquaintances or ex-classmates. conversation is so superficial now. there's not even any laming/crapping involved. at least the latter two involved some interaction.

i've definitely made many new friends this year, but none so far i can call myself a close friend to/of. i look at some people with whom i could have been closer friends with, but it's either they have lots of commitments (which is true in most cases), or i didn't really put in any effort into being good friends with. (not many cases, since i wasn't even given the chance in the first place.)

i look at tohkey, i admire him for having such a close bond with his M&D (:P) friends. i look at jt, and wish i had long-time friends like his in strings. i look at seewah, and i wish i were that good at making friends quickly. i look at _______(insert name here), and i admire him/her for ______(insert reason here). the list goes on.

of those i thought were my good friends, close pals even, i...just dunno what to say to them anymore. lw? he's got his companion. neo? he's always goofing around with his classmates. kk? - when was the last time i saw him? ravi? widjaja? - councilling. most/all the time. there are more.

i acknowledge the fact that people move on. but does that mean they have to always leave their past behind?

only carl seems genuinely interested in talking with me nowadays. but even then, he has, apart from me, his judo friends to talk to. and a lot of other people. :) not like me. first aid friends? heh. scouts? quit long time ago.

i suppose i alone am responsible for what's happened.

some people describe jc life as the "most fulfilling and enjoyable years" of their schooling life, and wish it were longer. i don't care anymore.

i suppose this song kinda expresses what i'm feeling now.

Yesterday - The Beatles

Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away
Now it looks as though they're here to stay
Oh, I believe in yesterday.

Suddenly, I'm not half to man I used to be,
There's a shadow hanging over me.
Oh, yesterday came suddenly.

Why she had to go I don't know she wouldn't say.
I said something wrong, now I long for yesterday.

Yesterday, love was such an easy game to play.
Now I need a place to hide away.
Oh, I believe in yesterday.

Why she had to go I don't know she wouldn't say.
I said something wrong, now I long for yesterday.

Yesterday, love was such an easy game to play.
Now I need a place to hide away.
Oh, I believe in yesterday.

Mm mm mm mm mm mm mm.


*this song also describes some mistakes i've made this year. ("I've said something wrong")


the only good thing that's happened to me this year is my exposure to the Gospel of Grace. i suppose that alone has kept me going all this while, all this time i felt hopeless and helpless, the Gospel was what made me still look forward each day, expecting good things to happen each day. and i have to say many good things have happened. i thank God for all of it. =)

maybe i don't need any human friends. or do i?

to end off, here's the quote of the day: "I never look back, darling. It distracts from the now." - Edna Mode, The Incredibles

wow. wise words. from a Disney character.

***

enough reflection. time to mug for chem SPA tomorrow.

mak. out.